Dear Friend,
My husband, Jason, has written the following and he has agreed I can share it today with you. My prayer is that you may be encouraged as you read about the journey he has been on.
Three years ago I was busy in most areas of life, work was full on as a Team Minister at the church we had been part of since Vicki and I married in 1995. Home life was also busy, as it is for many of us. Vicki has a long term illness, ME, and also suffers with chronic migraines which has meant that in some way I have been a carer for her and has also meant we have had to adapt our lives due to the limitations these illnesses bring. We have raised two children, our daughter still lives at home with us and our son was married in 2020 and now lives in Folkestone.
On the 26th April 2021 I was sitting in the garden with a coffee reading a book by a Christian author and speaker and in it he talks about how life got close to overwhelming for him. In his book he used the picture of feeling like he was coming close to the ‘cliff edge’ and each time he realised he was heading towards the edge, he managed to pull himself back a few steps. He would continue for a while, but not much time went by before he was back at the cliff edge again.
As I read this, I remember GOD saying to me, “That’s not your story. You are going to go over the cliff edge”. In a way I didn’t know what this meant, but in my heart I knew I had been struggling to keep up, only just keeping all the plates spinning in the air and slowly making my way towards that cliff edge.
The next day I went into work and ‘survived’ the day. I realise now how good I was at putting on the mask so everyone saw what I wanted them to. I didn’t let them know how I was and what was going on inside. Only a very few could see past my mask!
That evening, I came home and it happened. I can only describe it as crashing or going over the cliff edge. Emotionally, physically, and mentally everything collapsed. I sat in my bedroom and couldn’t control my emotions or thoughts. All I could do was sob.
From that point on Vicki had to take control and care for me, she contacted a fellow church leader and friend and tried to explain the situation. The next day she contacted the doctor and I was signed off for two weeks which ended up being a complete year!
I don’t think I can fully explain the complete thoughts and feelings I went through at that time. The thoughts of how I had failed everyone, my wife, children, family, friends, church, work. I had let them all down and was now just a burden to them all. I had lost my purpose, my calling, my church and my church family. I had no energy to do anything. Sometimes it was too much to get out of bed and go downstairs. I didn’t have the brain capacity to read or watch anything and retain it. All in all, I felt I was useless and a failure.
Having researched burnout, particularly burnout when in ministry, apart from the emotional, physical and mental areas being affected, a lot of people suffer in their spiritual walk as well and it can even lead to ministers losing their faith completely. I am thankful to say this didn’t become my story. From early on I knew I wouldn’t come through this without God by my side and so, if anything, this made me more determined to dig into Him and ensure I was as close as I could be to Him. Don’t get me wrong, there were many days I couldn’t hear, see or feel Him and many times I questioned what and why this was happening to me. But during the year I was signed off I can honestly say I drew closer to God than I have ever been and He drew closer to me. From the first week that I was off and away from our church I knew it was important to go to church on Sundays and so, for several weeks, a kind family member drove Vicki and me, over to Folkestone, to the church our son and daughter-in-law attended, and where the pastors have been a great support. She drove us until I was well enough to drive the distance myself.
During this time, Vicki had to step up and support and care for me in so many ways. It was a time of role reversal and several times over the year we recognised how things had changed for us, giving us both a better understanding of each other’s experiences and lives since we got married. My hope is that this wasn’t just for that time but it will be something we continue to grow in, leading to a new balance in our relationship.
This was also an incredibly lonely time. It felt like I had been abandoned so much of the time, even though in the beginning I needed space. Apart from Vicki, close family, and the pastors I have mentioned, God did also give me a good support network of people, including a great Christian counsellor. The biggest support was from those who God used to speak into my situation and the time I spent with God. I wasn’t able to do much but I could listen to worship music. I spent much of my time with worship music playing and using this as my prayers, even when the lyrics went against everything I was feeling at certain times.
One song that became very special to me was sent to me by my son early on in my burnout, and to be honest every time it came up on my playlist it made me very emotional to the point that sometimes I had to skip the song. But over time it almost became my anthem for that season. Every line seemed to have been written with me and my current situation in mind.
The song is “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns. Please copy and paste the link below to watch the video. Then read how Jason goes on to share how relevant the words were to him.
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=tIZitK6_IMQ
I hadn’t realised fully until I listened to this song, the pressure I had put myself under, believing I needed to be strong for everyone in every area of my life – in my marriage, for family and friends, in work and at church. I had been trying to hold everything together. I had to be the one who had to stay strong whatever was going on around me, no matter how I was struggling or how close to the cliff edge I was.
On that Tuesday in April everything in life hit me at once and it really did leave me feeling as though I was barely hanging on. The truth was, I wasn’t holding on anymore, and, as God had told me, I was forced to let go.
I knew how much I had been fighting to keep up with things but I hadn’t realised I had been fighting to stay in control and this was a big learning moment for me. I had never thought of myself as a controlling person but in what I was going through now, I came to see that trying to hold everything together and making sure everything and everyone was OK had become a control thing. I had been forced to release control of virtually everything and in doing so saw how much this had become a problem and how much I needed to understand that God is in control, not me. Over that year this was one of the big lessons I learned and I still try to keep this in mind. But it is so easy to fall back into the old ways of striving to stay in control and forget that, as God’s children, he is in control and he has a plan and path for our lives and for everything around us.
Over time I learned about the freedom of surrender and releasing things and situations. This learning came partly through having to because I had no other choice with what I was going through. But then as I started to see some improvement, I tried to be deliberate in choosing to lay it down and let it go because God is in control, even when it doesn’t feel like it!
There were so many times when I couldn’t feel God’s love or even His presence, but then I realised my focus wasn’t truly on Him, it was on all the circumstances, problems, and areas that seemed to be falling apart – the storm. The next lyrics in the song were a constant reminder to me of where my focus needed to be. When I focused on the cross and God’s love there was no room for doubt.
If ever you find yourself doubting His love, turn your eyes and focus back to the cross where Jesus gave his life for us. There is no way to deny His love for us when we look to the cross.
Again the lyrics were so powerful at a time when all I seemed to do was cry and mourn. I wasn’t able to understand what was going on, what was going to happen and why this was happening. I was reminded of the verse from Psalm 56 that talks about God keeping track of our sorrows. I found comfort in this, that God has collected all my tears in His bottles. I wondered how big his bottles must be for my tears, let alone all the tears shed by others.
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 (NLT)
I find reassurance in knowing my life is in God’s hands and is under his control. But with everything around me seeming to go up in flames I could not imagine at the time how God could use the ashes to paint something beautiful.
To all who mourn in Israel,
he will give a crown of beauty for ashes,
a joyous blessing instead of mourning,
festive praise instead of despair.
In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks
that the Lord has planted for his own glory. Isaiah 61:3 (NLT)
The song lyrics kept reminding me of how we need to keep looking to God. He isn’t distant, waiting for you on the other side of the problems and storms, He is right there by your side. And if that isn’t enough, when our hearts are full of trouble, doubts and fears, He holds our hearts and has hold of us too.
Not only does God hold my heart and yours, but it’s in His arms we can find rest and security in times when earthly security disappears. As I let go and ‘went over’ the cliff edge this is what I experienced. There were times I did feel like I was falling, but when I kept my eyes on Him and who He is I realised I wasn’t falling, I was safe in his arms – the arms that will never let me go.
As I went through this time I can’t tell you the amount of times I fell to my knees not knowing what was going on and what would happen. There were no answers for me. Yet I had to keep coming back and refocusing on God, realising again and again that although I felt alone, I wasn’t and would never be. I had to stop trying to be in control stop holding onto things that were not mine to hold onto and recognise God is on the throne, not me! God does have all the answers even if I don’t yet know them. As hard as it was to agree with sometimes, I still held on that with God by my side, my world was not falling apart even though every cell in my body would have said differently, and in God’s time I would see how my world was actually falling into place. All we have to do is be held by God. But to do that there may be things we need to let go of and we may have to check and see how close to God we are because we can’t be held unless we are next to Him.
- – Are you struggling, feeling like the wheels are coming off or that you are getting too close to the cliff edge?
– Is it time to check your priorities? Where is God in that list?
– Do you recognise the need to put God back in control and on the throne and just be held by him?
– Who can you share honestly with who will help you, before things become too much You have to be willing to be vulnerable and maybe hear some things you don’t want to!
– Have you thought about the need for a break? To take time away with God and allow Him to work in different areas of you life? Maybe look at a retreat?
Vicki Cottingham 
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